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A paragraph of advice

May. 30th, 2006 | 03:56 pm
mood: pissed offpissed off



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One Friday night and two glasses of wine later...

Apr. 7th, 2006 | 09:41 pm
location: Home
mood: melancholymelancholy
music: Soft rock from the 90's

So...I'm feeling a little bit dysfunctional as of the moment...

My relationships since Justin have been odd, horrible, stupid, me being stupid, boys being stupid and so on and so forth.

Justin was the last functional relationship that I had. We were together for 2 1/2 years, we had a great time, loved each other so much, and our time together ended well, we're still friends, close friends too. Can't bitch about that right? Well if you look at us now and forget the two years it took me to get over him, yea I can't bitch about that...however, there are those pesky years where I wanted him back so bad. That we fought, lost friends over, etc... But we've both made it through and still care about each other.

Then there was Joe. Met on open diary, talked online for a while, then for the first time we talked on Valentines Day of 03. We hit it off, and he made plans to fly out here that summer. He stayed with us and for the first two days he was here it was everything I thought it would be. Until the second night he told me it wasn't going to work. WTF, whatever, it's in the past.

Michael(My Boss) I started working at Cooks July 04. Developed feelings for him by the end of August. Nothing serious at first, just a simple crush... but he was married.

Enter Paul, very short lived, decided to get back with his ex girlfriend instead. We remained friends until he got a stick up his ass one day so that friendship ended.

John, dated him shortly after Paul in Feb of 05. He was smart, graduated from college, was a deputy sheriff, and was passionate about life and what he wanted. He decided that he couldn't wait for sex...He didn't appreciate that that was what I wanted to save for my husband. Sent me an IM at work on a Friday afternoon and peaced me out right there. Michael (My boss) was so nice to me, we became closer after that.

Michael(My boss), he and his wife started having problems in mid march - April of 05. He came to see me in Yeoman of the Guard and he, Shaunna and I went out for drinks afterwards. Had a blast and my feelings for him turned into something much stronger… We went out to dinner a few times, and had some lunches, but for the most part, we were just two friends talking and having some fun. Even though for me it was much more. : /

Daniel came home that summer, we had decided to try dating, but kinda never got around to it, we had fun when he was home and swore that next time he was home we'd attempt to be with each other.

Daniel came home last October, we dated, but never went on a date...why? I'm not sure to tell you the truth. We did kiss some, which was nice, but we never really gave it a go like we said we would. Truthfully, I'm still unsure of what is going on there. I want to bring it up with him, but I don't know how to. I don't know if there is anything there anymore, on his end that is...the only thing I do know is that he's coming home from Japan in June. So if there is something there we'll find out then. He'll be home a lot more.

This guy Phil I met at Hamburger Mary’s last Saturday night. Seemed kinda cool on the phone, but he we'd me way to much... this kid is clearly looking for a long term relationship, and I don't want that right now. I mean it would be different if something happened with Dan, simply because we've been playing around with the idea for so long. But bottom line, I don't want to have to say I'm sorry or have a guy make me feel bad because I'm working late, or because I have school. Work especially, it's important to me, and I've worked hard to get where I am now. Anyways, that guy Phil is way outta the picture.

Keith at Enterprise. While Keith is very smart, handsome, and a gentleman, I'm afraid of the relationship thing with him. He seems to be looking for that, while he is a really good catch, I'm just not in that place in my life right now.

Jason my high school best friend. We haven't seen each other in six years, and he found me on myspace. It was so amazing, I mean, I've tried looking for him so many times and was never successful, then out of the blue he finds me. Only problem, his wife doesn't want him talking to me, which fucking sucks. I'm not going to lie to you. He is my male equivalent to Kali, only he has a penis and I can tell him anything and know that he isn't judging me. We only talked for a few weeks, and we totally connected again. I miss him so much, and I hate that I can't talk to him...I have a person in my life that I want to speak to more then anything and I can't. So I only got to be apart of his life for a short time and she took it away from me. There was never anything sexual between us, we were just always really close and loved each other and the lord together.

One of the worst things is that every guy I've looked at, they just don't make me laugh like Michael does, or make me feel like it's okay to be silly like Daniel does, or they don't have as much passion in things as Justin does...music, theater, the lord, etc...or is someone I can tell anything to like Jason does for me. I mean, Justin was my first real love, I'll pretty much always compare any man to him and how he treated me. But now I've met these other amazing men, who are so much more as well. I just feel like I'm hitting a brick wall. How am I ever going to get past a first date if I keep comparing Michael, Daniel, Justin and Jason to him? I mean out of all of those guys, Michael is married, Daniel is in Japan, Justin is JUST a friend, and Jason is married in Virginia...his wife won't even let me talk to him.

WTF is wrong with me?

Is why I don't want a serious relationship?
Because I can't find the four of them rolled into one?
Because I can't let the feelings of *insert word here* go with Michael?
Do I still deep down want to be with Justin again?
Do I regret not ever giving it a go with Jason?
What would happen if Daniel lived in California completely available to me?
Would we work? Be a happy couple?

But Keith keeps coming back to me, which is why I'm writing this entry in the first place. Here is this amazing guy that thinks I'm funny, laughs at my sarcasm, thinks that it's amazing that I sing opera, ballroom dance, etc... And I for whatever reason can't get past seeing all of those other qualities in those four other guys, even though he has much potential to be a good boyfriend. Am I holding out for more? Would I be settling if we did get together?

How can I find out this stuff before someone gets hurt? Lord knows, I've done my share of hurt, but I've been hurt back as well. I don't like being that girl, that can't make up her mind. It's so frustrating... grrrrrrr

Any advice you all have is highly welcomed.

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The calm before the storm...

Mar. 30th, 2006 | 02:12 pm
mood: exhaustedexhausted
music: Tool...end of the month music

After weeks of being behind in work, I am finally caught up! My Accounts Receivable list has suffered from lack of attention...the result being my over 30 days is freakin' huge! All will be okay, not all of it is my fault, and I now have all the money owed to us on the way in some form. Tomorrow is end of the month, we're looking at just over $200,000 in sales; the most this store has ever done in it's four years of being open. Crazy, but if we do it, Michael is taking all of us office folk out to a fancy dinner at Carvers. It will be crazy tomorrow, and I'm pretty sure I'll cry at least once tomorrow if things go wrong. At the end of the day though, if we can get those sales, it'll all be worth it. : D

There are two men I am interested in at the moment:

Keith: 27 years old, works as a manager at Enterprise, graduated from college, has his own place, we seem to have some things in common, but there is only so much you can talk about at work. I would like to go have drinks with him one night, but i'm so damn shy when it comes to that stuff. : / I may get over it for the sake of putting myself out there, because lets face it...he's a catch. He's a sharp dresser as well, tall, broad shoulders, bald, brown eyes, nice gentleman.

Matt: 20 years old, works at Wells Fargo as a teller, in college still, lives in El Dorado Hills with two other friends on a gigantic piece of land that he rents. He has cute curly blonde-brown ish hair, kind brown eyes, is about three inches taller then me. He has a sweet smile, and is a rather chatty fellow. Sharp dresser as well, and likes movies.

Anywho, back to work...my Liberty Mutual estimate just came over the fax. Matching time!
P.S. Just found out that our $21,000 VW job fell off our numbers for the month. No Carvers, but less stress for us in the office which is good. Michael can relax a bit. : /

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Kinda Gross btw

Mar. 20th, 2006 | 09:41 am

I always thought those people that closed their fingers in doors were so stupid. However, now it seems I belong to the stupid club. This is what happens when you're in a rush to get shit done, and pissed off at the same time because your detailer didn't wash the Mercedes ML you're supposed to deliver in 30 minutes. : / It looks better now, but it hurts rather bad. I didn't break it or fracture it so I got lucky that way, but it'll be ages before it looks normal again. When it first happened my nail was barely hanging on...Jeanette was like "Just rip it off!" So I did. Anyways, look if you have the stomach for it.


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Would you want me when I'm not myself

Feb. 16th, 2006 | 05:17 pm
mood: crappycrappy

When you've cried so much, that your face feels like an open wound, salty tears stinging with every sob, it's hard to know that someday you will be alright again.

My promotion that Michael offered to me on Jan 31st, was taken away from me and given to Jeanette. She doesn't know that it was offered to me two weeks before she got it, but it was. I am especially upset at this because I just spoke to Michael on this matter Tuesday night. I asked him:

S: "How long was Jeanette staying?"
M: "I don't know."
S: "What we discussed back on the 31st, is that still the plan?"
M: "Absolutely."

So I went home that night under the impression that she would be here until I was a stronger estimator. In addition Michael gave me a raise that night from $12 an hour to $14.50 an hour. Roughly it's another $400 a month, which is nice...I'm not going to lie to you. However, if this raise is some sort of compensation to her getting my spot that was promised already to me, then it doesn't mean shit. It's second place with me still not growing with this company. I'm in this for the long run, although I'm certain auto repair is not my career, it is a wonderful opportunity for me at this time in my life, and will make my resume much stronger. I've been so upset, I was trying to get it all out last night so that when Michael and I spoke about this today, I wouldn't be emotional in front of him. Their is nothing worse then crying about this sort of thing in front of your boss, friend or not. It's embarrassing and makes you seem week. I haven’t been able to think straight all day, I can't get it out of my head. So that's work. I'm giving him a ride back to his truck tonight at Mercedes, so we'll be chatting then.

I miss Dan. If he was here, or online the same time that I was, I know I'd feel better about this. We have our differences but he is a good person and is always willing to listen to what is going on in your life. I think he said he'd be home again in June, but even home is southern California. I guess I'll see him when I see him.

Tis all for now, must finish up my work for the day.


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What is with people?

Feb. 16th, 2006 | 09:18 am
mood: sadsad

I am completely appalled that this would happen...TWICE. Read to find out.


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More thoughs in no particular order

Feb. 14th, 2006 | 04:43 pm
music: XM radio

Ever since Christmas I've been rather emotional. I'm much more sensitive to things then I used to be and the moment I stop thinking and let my mind wander is when I lose it. Not really the best way to start out a sentence of a journal entry, but it puts it right out there. : / Work is work, and though I'm thankfully not working nearly as much overtime as I have been in the past, it is still stressful. Jeff was let go last Thursday and now I'm uncertain of my future estimating promotion that Michael told me he wanted for me. Jeanette is coming over from North Sac, which is fine to help out, but I'm going to have some issues if she gets what was already told was mine. I have way more seniority then her, plus, Michael told me already. After T-mont leaves today, I think we'll have a little chat about my future. Originally, I didn't mind as much if she got that spot, however, the more I thought about it, the more it upset me that she would get it. I deserve that position, I work my ass off anywhere from 40-55 hours a week, I do what it takes to get things done around here. Grrr Arg. I hate that I even have to question this. I don't want to be a bitch but as Kali pointed out to me, I'm very selfless. I don't know if that is true, but Kali knows me pretty freakin' well so I'll go with it.

In an effort to break my depression, I've been shoe shopping. I found a beautiful pair of Steven shoes on ebay never worn. The girl Melissa broke her ankle skiing and can't wear heels anymore, I felt bad for her! I'd hate not to be able to wear beautiful shoes. Anyways, I got them for $60; in the store they retail for $129! So in the name of beautiful footwear, I went to my temple this last weekend in search of new black pumps and tan pumps for work. I need both pairs, not want, need. Although, in preparation for my Manolo Blahnik Mary Janes, I did venture into new shoe territory to find out what size I'd be. I de-virgin-ized my feet in a pair of black leather sling backs by Manolo Blahnik. They were beautiful, 3' heel, comfortable, and I felt like a princess! I may need to have them in addition to my Mary Janes. Shopping my way out of depression probably isn't the best thing, but I do feel sassy in my new shoes.

I got to work this morning to find that St. Michael had gotten me beautiful purple tulips and a heart shape box of chocolate. : D I love tulips, they're so under appreciated too, not to mention that the bulbs last forever! I'll always have them. I find it funny when people think it's some big tragedy for a person to be single on this day. Fuck that. I'm going home tonight to have a lovely dinner with my family and play with my new ipod. Plus American Idol is on tonight...


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Ballroom dancing for the soul

Feb. 1st, 2006 | 09:39 am

I am now a ballroom dancer. Flunt in the Cha Cha, Rumba, Tango, Two and Three step, Foxtrot, Waltz, East Coast Swing, and learning the rest.

Praise me.

I am still learning, but I know enough now to get me around the dance floor with a handsome gentleman. I can't go the next two weeks due to family stuff and going to San Francisco for the weekend for quality Kali time, but rest assured, I will be back!

In other news, I am being promoted...main estimator at my store. Jeff fucked up, bad...I get his spot while keeping my position as an office manager. Michael is going to hire a junior estimator to pick up my slack and help out with the bigger jobs. I think this will go in effect next Tuesday. This also means, a raise! I'm going to ask for $18.00 an hour, I deserve it. This is still a secret so shhhhhh.

Another thing that this means, is I'm sooo moving out. I can't take living at home anymore. Melissa continues to go through my shit, go in my room and jack my stuff. I'm tired of it, we had a fight last night, she didn't give a shit about trying to make it better, etc. Same old shit. I hate fighting with her, but she brings it on herself. If she would just respect my space, the things I buy with my hard earned money then we wouldn't have a problem. Grr Arg.

Miss Sassy Pants Alex is coming to visit at the end of the month! I'm so excited to see her! Michael gave me a three day weekend when she and Kali come so I'll be able to spend time with her. Oh boy!


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Thoughts in no paticular order

Jan. 25th, 2006 | 02:46 pm
music: Roy Orbison "Crying"

It is in my opinion, that your man should have nice thighs.
Why you ask?
Because if you're going to have your legs wrapped around them for the rest of your life they should be good.

A valuable lesson: Never, no matter how much of a rush you're in; put on stockings fast. It cost me 10 dollars or three pairs of them on Tuesday morning because I kept putting my thumb through my right leg. : /

Apparently my work space is Immaculate! According to Barber. : D

I miss my mom. After the christmas I've had we've been really close, like we were BG(Before Greg). The day after Christmas when we were on the way to Woodland to visit my gma Kathy and gpa George, in the car she told me she was really proud of what I did on Christmas morning for Tasha, being with her and petting her until she passed away, and that she was proud of me wanting to be with my gma Betty and help take care of her after my gpa Larry passed away that day. She said I was a very strong adult. Once I had gotten home from Las Vegas she and I seemed to be on the same pages again. It felt like we were the only ones who cared about anything in that damn house. I know that probably isn't true, but you can't help what you feel. I've had an on going war with Melissa about the bathroom that we share. I like a clean bathroom, she doesn't care. Well Emily was living at our house, and every fucking time I turned around the bathroom would be discusting. It was to the point of yelling and screaming at Melissa because she won't do shit if you ask her nice. I don't like being that way, but this time it kinda felt good to yell at someone. I've been so angry and sad about Tasha and my family, that it felt like the only outlet to my pain. I feel bad about it, but I can't change how I reacted. It's in the past I suppose. My mom was on the same page as me with that shit. We can't stand messes in the house, no matter what. Anyways, the relationship that we appeared to be rebuilding has started to slip away from me again, and I don't want to go back to what we used to have. I don't like fighting with her, I don't like getting pissed off at her because all she wants to do is spend time with Greg. : / Sigh.

I miss Tasha, not one day has gone by since Christmas that I haven't cried about her. I miss seeing her next to my bed when I get home waiting for me. I miss watching her take a lap around the living room trying to get a pat on the head by everyone. I miss her nose under my arm at the dinner table trying to get my attention to give her a snack. I miss petting her ears and tickling her toe hair. I am thankful though that I was with her when she passed away. I had almost gone to my Uncle Leon's house to spend the night, I would have been devastated if I hadn't been there for it, and she would have been alone. All alone. Instead she died in my room, next to me, with Lexie, Sophie, and Lilly all around. Yes it sucks that I lost her on Christmas day, but earlier that month when she wasn't feeling well I asked her to make it to Christmas and she did. Mom brought home her ashes a few weeks ago; I felt like it was Christmas morning all over again looking at the wooden box that once was my dog. I can hardly stand it. I'm not one to cry like I want to in front of anyone, but I can't control it. The smallest memory of her and it comes as fast as I thought of her. It's harder at work, where I don't want to ever be seen crying. Michael has seen me cry, really cry when I found out my Gma Betty had Alzheimer's a few months ago, but I don't want my weakness to show through at work. I have a hard enough time with some of the guys not respecting me or my position at that company. Lord I miss her, she was an amazing friend. Back when Justin and I were together and had plans to get married once we were both done with college *(we were young and in love. What can I say?) I wanted Tasha to be my Maid of Honor. I know it sounds silly as hell, but next to Bowman, she was my oldest friend. I should invest in water proof mascara.

I am so mentally tired. So many horrible thoughts run through my head. Most of all: I'm so fucking sick of being taken advantage of. No names to protect the innocent, but geeze. I'd like to hope that you know who you are, and if so, knock it off. We're adults now. Grow up, decide what you want from me, friendship, casual friends, etc. PICK ONE. Don't cancel on me and not tell me you're canceling, don't run away from me when my gpa and dog die and I need a friend, don't ignore my phone calls and casually call me three weeks later and attempt to be 'breezy'. Are you afraid that I still have feelings for you, news flash: I don't, I just want my friend around who used to know me better then anyone else. I just want my friend to care about me and appreciate me as much as I appreciate him. Maybe that is too much to ask for, but that is what I want. Grr Arg. : /

There is more but to quote John Mayer: "Maybe when I'm in the mood to lose my way with words."



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Who's Afraid of Friday the 13th?

Jan. 13th, 2006 | 09:07 am

by Martha Brockenbrough
So today is Friday the 13th. And if you're thinking, "big deal," you're right. It is a big deal. Such a big deal that nearly $1 billion worth of commerce won't happen, because people are afraid to fly, travel, and shop.

But you're not one of those people, right?

Actually, I'd bet you are. Maybe you're not a paraskevidekatriaphobe. That's the fancy Greek term for people who fear Friday the 13th. Paraskevi is the Greek word for Friday, and dekatria is how Greeks say 13. Phobe, as you might have guessed, relates to phobia. But I'll bet you do things every single day because--know it or not--you're a little bit superstitious.

When you yawned this morning (after getting up on the right side of the bed and starting your day off on the right foot), did you carefully cover your mouth?

Probably so. It's what we do to be polite. But there's more to it than this--people used to think that your soul would rush out of your body if you issued an unprotected yawn.

And the same goes for sneezing. You may say "Gesundheit!" or "Bless you!" to be a nice person.

But what you're actually doing is carrying on a tradition apparently started by the Roman emperor Tiberius. According to one legend, Tiberius would ride in his chariot blessing anyone who sneezed, because a deadly disease at the time, in its early phases, caused sneezing. The more blessings were passed around, the less likely people were to die--or so the thinking went. This same thinking continued in Europe in the Middle Ages, when people were dying of bubonic plague.

Saying "Bless you!" isn't so silly, of course. Combine it with the cover-the-mouth-and-protect-your-soul rule, and you are much less likely to spread nasty germs.

But Friday the 13th is special. It combines Friday--considered an unlucky day by some--with the number 13, which has long been considered bad news.

Maybe you never thought of Friday as unlucky. Friday's often payday for us working stiffs. It's the start of the weekend. There's even that "TGIF" restaurant that serves a pretty tasty fried-cheese appetizer (if you want to tempt fate and clog your arteries). Friday is also the Muslim Sabbath and is the day for religious gatherings.

But Friday also carries negative connotations. For starters, Eve is rumored to have given Adam the apple on a Friday, according to Donald Dossey, founder-director of the Phobia Center in Asheville, North Carolina. Talk about a snack that's spelled eternal heartburn, even in Disney films. What fruit knocked out Snow White? Right. The apple.

(The really amusing thing is that the old adage, "an apple a day keeps the doctor away," has actually been shown to be true.)

And the number 13 has been feared for a long time, too--except in Italy, where "Fare tredici!" or "To make thirteen!" is the slogan of the national lottery. There, if you get a thirteen, you win.

About 90 percent of Otis elevators don't have a button for the 13th floor. The U.S. Navy won't launch a ship on Friday the 13th. And, as a former flight attendant once told me, many people just won't fly on the 13th, unless they're headed to Las Vegas. Apparently, the unluckiest day has an opposite effect when you're gambling.

And the fear is historic: A Norse myth has it that a great dinner party with 12 guests was ruined when a 13th crashed the event and killed the god of joy and gladness. There were also 13 guests at the Last Supper of Jesus Christ, who was crucified on a Friday. Finally, a correctly tied hangman's noose has 13 knots, and executions used to happen on Fridays.

So, it's no wonder that we sometimes make a big deal out of Friday the 13th, even today, when we're steeped in science and technology, and know a great deal about how the world works.

For most people, Friday the 13th probably means taking minor precautions. Like avoiding black cats. Since I have a black cat, I can say that's probably a good idea on most days of the year. (Sorry, Spot. But you're a bad kitty.)

If you want to get into the fun of it, though, Dossey has some wacky precautions you can take to stay lucky this Friday the 13th.

Stand on your head and swallow a chunk of beef gristle
Take a holey sock to the top of a skyscraper or a mountain
Walk around the block with a mouthful of water--and be careful not to swallow it
Tie a sack of peony seeds around your neck (not too tight, though)
If you don't want to get in on the fun of it, well, I'd say you're missing out. You might even be kidding yourself about how rational you really are.

We usually think superstitious people just don't know any better, but that's pretty snobby of us. Superstitions are so common that sometimes we don't even recognize them for what they are.

Is it really bad luck, for example, for the groom to see the bride before the wedding? Why do brides wear something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue? Superstitions, all of them.

But I walked down the aisle myself with blue-painted toenails. So far, it's been a great marriage. Knock on wood.

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